THOUGHTS: 3AM CRIES

I wish I had never met you. I think that a lot about you.It’s true they say you should never regret anything but this I
regret. I did have nice memories with you but are they worth the pain I feel now? The answer is no. I’d give up meeting you in a heartbeat just to not feel this. I’d give up all the late night talks, the smiles, the looks, the touches, the moments, all the words you said to me, just to not feel this. ‘Cause at the end what do they all matter? Memories fade away, smiles and looks are forogotten, touches are replaced and words, well they’re just words, at least when it comes to you….Now I know that.
It’s so dumb how you never really know, when you’re completely enchanted by someone, who is bright and shiny ,that that person someday might wreck your heart and your peace of mind. It’s hard when you’re in a stage where you see no flaws and you completely trust the person and then they let you down. Worst thing is I was never a really a person that trusted others. I was never really one to get enchanted by most people, but you were different. At some point you just made me let go and trust you.
I think I truly believed in you…in us. You made me believe in us. What I don’t understand is why? Why let this happen when you didn’t want it for you, when you already knew you wanted to go on a different direction. And then you claim that honesty is your policy. That policy must apply only to lands outside my heart ’cause you showed no honesty when it came to it.

THOUGHTS: WHEN?

when will I forget your face?

when will I forget your eyes?

when will I forget the way you kiss?

when will I forget your hands?

when will I forget your touch?

when will I forget the way you looked at me?

when will I forget the messages you sent me?

when will I forget the conversations?

when will I forget the things you said?

when will I forget this pain?

THOUGHTS: HEARTBREAK AND DECEIVE

I don’t want this to be a rant but it probably will. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak in life and I’m pretty sure there’s more to come. In the last two years I’ve met a few boys, hoping to meet someone special that doesn’t necessary needs to be the one but someone with whom I could have a relationship. But all my attempts have failed. It’s always the same tale. Girl meets boy, boy tells girl that he’s a serious guy and that he really likes her, girl falls in love and wants to be serious, boy says he doesn’t want a relationship. Every single time. It got to a point when I didn’t trust the guy so easily as I did before,  but still I couldn’t control my heart so I would fall in love, only to be heartbroken again. I know sometimes people can be naive and believe in words and I must admit that I was a bit naive with some of these guys but still, it’s not fair. Let me tell you about my latest heartbreak. I met this guy back in 2012, he was great, we were great together, we were so alike and got along perfectly. He was from another city but was coming to my city to study in a month or something. So we talked for that period of time and even though it wasn’t much time, there was something there, we just seemed destined to meet. He stopped talking to me and I was so confused and later I sent him a message telling him that I wanted to know why he stopped texting me, hoping he would finally answer. And he did. He told me that he wasn’t coming to my city anymore and that there was no point in continuing talking to me because we would get attached and wouldn’t be able to see each other. A year went by and once in a while I would remember him and have this feeling that somehow we would talk again. And one day out of the blue, I get this text message saying ”Hey! Remember me?”. I didn’t have his number anymore but then I asked who it was and he answered with his name. I don’t really know what I felt at this moment. So we started talking again and at first I was really not that nice to him because he had stopped talking to me before and that hurt a little but after a while, I let my guard down and our connection was greater than before. We talked for 7 months before meeting each other in person(this time he really moved to my city). I was really in love with him but I refused to show it for quite some time because I couldn’t let myself trust another guy. Sometimes I would just be cold to him because I was starting to have some doubts about us and about what was real or not but then he would calm me down and reassure me that he was going nowhere and that he had really good feelings towards me and other things that seemed so deep and so real that I ended up letting my guard down and fall in love completely with him. Then the day to meet him came and I was so nervous. I’m a really shy person and I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say and there would be a lot of awkward silences and that maybe we wouldn’t get along as well as we did when we texted. Turns out I had nothing to worry about, we got along ever better in person, we talked a lot, I talked a lot! And that’s saying something. I had never talked so much with a boy in person. We kissed. We laughed. Everything was just perfect. We met a second time and it was great too. But after that I just had the feeling that he didn’t want to have anything serious so I had to ask and he told me that he didn’t want a relationship, even though he liked me a lot and that he wasn’t going to do something he didn’t want to. Once again I was heartbroken. This was the guy that believed we were soul mates. Now he was telling that he didn’t want to be with me, unless it was something that wasn’t serious. I didn’t want that. I really believed this was the guy that was going to prove there are good guys out there but he didn’t. After that he fought for us to be friends which was kinda nice and I initially put up a fight against that because I was just so in love(still am probably) but then I went with it. We talked a few good times but then he stopped sending me messages but would still answer if I sent him one. But I have stopped sending him texts and he hasn’t said a word since…
Anyway, pretty sick of this tale repeating itself. I’ve never believed that all men are the same but I’ve also never seen different.