I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU SO FAR.
I haven’t posted here for a while now. Got lazy, I have to admit. Well, things have changed. I have now been living in London for 3 weeks and have started studying photography at the University of West London. I’ve been stressed because some of the problems I had back home, in Lisbon, haunt me here but still, it has been a nice change. I’m still getting used to this overcrowded city(that I love), I’ve been loving my classes and think that in a short amount of time my photos have gotten so much better. I’ll leave a few here 😀
I don’t want this to be a rant but it probably will. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak in life and I’m pretty sure there’s more to come. In the last two years I’ve met a few boys, hoping to meet someone special that doesn’t necessary needs to be the one but someone with whom I could have a relationship. But all my attempts have failed. It’s always the same tale. Girl meets boy, boy tells girl that he’s a serious guy and that he really likes her, girl falls in love and wants to be serious, boy says he doesn’t want a relationship. Every single time. It got to a point when I didn’t trust the guy so easily as I did before, but still I couldn’t control my heart so I would fall in love, only to be heartbroken again. I know sometimes people can be naive and believe in words and I must admit that I was a bit naive with some of these guys but still, it’s not fair. Let me tell you about my latest heartbreak. I met this guy back in 2012, he was great, we were great together, we were so alike and got along perfectly. He was from another city but was coming to my city to study in a month or something. So we talked for that period of time and even though it wasn’t much time, there was something there, we just seemed destined to meet. He stopped talking to me and I was so confused and later I sent him a message telling him that I wanted to know why he stopped texting me, hoping he would finally answer. And he did. He told me that he wasn’t coming to my city anymore and that there was no point in continuing talking to me because we would get attached and wouldn’t be able to see each other. A year went by and once in a while I would remember him and have this feeling that somehow we would talk again. And one day out of the blue, I get this text message saying ”Hey! Remember me?”. I didn’t have his number anymore but then I asked who it was and he answered with his name. I don’t really know what I felt at this moment. So we started talking again and at first I was really not that nice to him because he had stopped talking to me before and that hurt a little but after a while, I let my guard down and our connection was greater than before. We talked for 7 months before meeting each other in person(this time he really moved to my city). I was really in love with him but I refused to show it for quite some time because I couldn’t let myself trust another guy. Sometimes I would just be cold to him because I was starting to have some doubts about us and about what was real or not but then he would calm me down and reassure me that he was going nowhere and that he had really good feelings towards me and other things that seemed so deep and so real that I ended up letting my guard down and fall in love completely with him. Then the day to meet him came and I was so nervous. I’m a really shy person and I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say and there would be a lot of awkward silences and that maybe we wouldn’t get along as well as we did when we texted. Turns out I had nothing to worry about, we got along ever better in person, we talked a lot, I talked a lot! And that’s saying something. I had never talked so much with a boy in person. We kissed. We laughed. Everything was just perfect. We met a second time and it was great too. But after that I just had the feeling that he didn’t want to have anything serious so I had to ask and he told me that he didn’t want a relationship, even though he liked me a lot and that he wasn’t going to do something he didn’t want to. Once again I was heartbroken. This was the guy that believed we were soul mates. Now he was telling that he didn’t want to be with me, unless it was something that wasn’t serious. I didn’t want that. I really believed this was the guy that was going to prove there are good guys out there but he didn’t. After that he fought for us to be friends which was kinda nice and I initially put up a fight against that because I was just so in love(still am probably) but then I went with it. We talked a few good times but then he stopped sending me messages but would still answer if I sent him one. But I have stopped sending him texts and he hasn’t said a word since…
Anyway, pretty sick of this tale repeating itself. I’ve never believed that all men are the same but I’ve also never seen different.
I’ll be moving to London soon, one of my favourite places in the world, the place where I’ve dreamed of living ever since I was a little child. But something isn’t right. I’ve been waiting for this for years and it’s finally happening and I’m not excited about it. I’m not happy. I’m not happy living where I live now either but I thought I would be over the moon when this moment came. So what’s wrong? Is is the fact that I’m too depressed to even be happy about anything? Is it because I’m afraid of change? And then there’s you… I don’t even know what to make of you. I don’t know if I’ll get to say goodbye to you or even tell you that I’m leaving and that’s just sad…It breaks my heart that I didn’t get to have you, at least not completely. It breaks my heart that I didn’t get more from you, more of you. All I really wanted all this time was more of you and now there’s no more time. I thought I had more time but I guess I don’t. What if you only find out that I left after I’m gone? I wonder what you’ll feel when you discover that you’ll probably never see me again. I wonder a lot if you care. I know you used to, but time has passed and I don’t know anything anymore. God, this is hard. Since I’ve met you I’ve had always had the feeling you’d come back to me and we’d be togheter and you came back but it didn’t go the way it was supposed to and now I’m the one who’s leaving and the feeling that we’ll be togheter someday it’s still here. But I don’t think that’s possible, our lives are going in different directions. So why do I still feel that way?
All I know is that I wanna say goodbye…
Loniless gets to me almost everyday. Even though I enjoy being alone sometimes, it’s gets frustrating when all you are is alone. So I think about my options, do I take the little amount of attention I get from the people that call themselves my friends(which aren’t many) but seem to have forgotten what really being a friend is about and are always focused only on their lives or do I beg for attention from the one person I care about but doesn’t seem to feel the same way about me? Neither. I just stay still. Stay Alone. Thinking about other people living their lives, getting frustrated because I want to be a part of them but can’t. When is it my turn to really live and not just exist?